Saturday, December 15, 2012

Karl Smalldick Shows His True Colors: Yellow And Brown

Yes indeed, in his latest comments on his sad little blargh he reponds to rational, intelligent people asking simple, innocuous questions:

Please, go there and observe his misspelled, arrogant attempts at sublety. He needs the pagehits.

(Oh, why is he yellow? Observe the comment about deleting my comment, "because fuck him". When I asked him to come here and try to imitate a human being for a discussion, he refused, saying "I can't control the environment there" Translation: "I can't delete the comments that ask me serious questions, nor respond by using profanities and insults").

(Why brown? That's the color of his nose from keeping it buried in Pargin and Leighty's asses).

He's definitely a Cracked writer.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Stay Classy, Cracked...

« Reply #14 on: Today at 09:15 AM »

Dunno if it's ban worthy, but this guy is OnoSendai, the guy who's running that blog that he thinks is actually hurting Cracked. He's on John's article today advertising his site.

Funk Master

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« Reply #15 on: Today at 10:11 AM »

Dear god, that blog is atrocious.

Just because John doesn't like commentors?

Seriously, did he touch him in his no-no area or something like that?
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« Reply #16 on: Today at 10:11 AM »

In case you need evidence for that guy other than the fact that he was dumb enough to use the same profile picture:

On the youtube quickfix:

On the gag gift article:

On Sarge's highschool article:

On Cheese's article:

Cheese's article again, this time responding to another commenter who said he was glad to see Cheese back:

Here's his crappy "Cracked parody" blog to confirm that it's called Crocked and he's not just having bizarrely specific typo problems.

There were also several posts on his "We're so big and important and Cracked will fall to our might" blog bragging about how he's using a TOR browser to get around the IP ban and encouraging others to do likewise, but I've no desire to give the asshole more traffic by digging them out again, and they don't specifically mention this account.

If you can read this, you have to call the police. We were at a meeting with Wong and he won't let us leave. He's keeping us in a cage made of his toenail clippings and only lets us out to mod the workshop. Most of the others are already dead. Tell them to bring armed backup, he has a shitload of military grade weaponry under his desk. Oh god he's coming ba
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« Reply #17 on: Today at 10:30 AM »

This is where it's helpful to have one button that deletes all of a user's comments in one shot.

That guy is either 13 or somewhat mentally unstable (he's posted elsewhere that he's going to contact Anonymous to come after us, and that he has personally contacted the shareholders of Demand over the fact that he wasn't allowed to keep screaming insults in our comment section). I guess it's not his fault in either case...

I am Cracked Senior Editor David Wong, I just wrote a book about giant parasites that take over your brainHere I am on Facebook.

(The Cracked forum thread discussing me, right before they banned/deleted my account and comments).

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It Was The Dawn Of A New Age...

An alternative comedy website that actually likes and respects its readers! How revolutionary!

Comments are completely unmoderated, you just have to sign in with a Google account or LiveID, because the last thing any website needs is little, cowardly anonymous trolls from a larger comedy website that is scared of us posting nasty little BLAARRGHs, hehe...

Writers are encouraged, nay, forced at gunpoint, to write for us on any subject YOU choose, (we've found that the whole "at gunpoint" thing really gets the creative juices flowing). You can also make MONEY doing it. (If we ever make any).

Come one, come all! If you can't come, bring someone who can!

The year is 2012.

The name of the place: Babylon 5.

Oh, I mean there, at, lol.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Enough Is Enough

    "There comes a time when you must choose between what is easy and what is right."
                                                                                                                                             Time to drop the bomb. Demand Media is the group behind Cracked. They haven't been happy for awhile about our resident drunk, and Pargin has made every effort to squash this whole incident involving his embarrassing best bud, just to make sure that they don't find out about his latest, (in a long line), of fuckups.

Guess what? They are about to find out. Money talks and drunks and sycophants walk.

Cracked has been sending it's intellectual giants over here to try to distract me or debate me to death or whatever scared fools do, but guess what? I didn't start this blog as a debate forum, nor as a rage page, I started this to expose a wrong. That simple. I'm bringing something the internet isn't used to and hates. Honesty. Because, I have all that I want and nothing to lose. I have a house, money in the bank and many successful books published and I can be your worst enemy if you fuck with me. And Cracked did. They broke up a family of commenters that I knew as friends, that did nothing more than ask what happened when a writer we all used to respect turned bitter and attacked us. And his BFF, Jason Pargin, (Wong), defended him and lied about what happened. After banning us and deleting our accounts so we couldn't say differently.

So, guess what? Enough is finally enough. Major websites have been contacted and expressed interest, (to put it mildly. The irony of a comedy website despising it's readers is lost on no one), and now Demand Media is being enlightened about the hideous mess it's backing.

The best is yet to come and fuck you if you don't like it. Because I'm doing this for my friends, no one else.

Because I can.

And because they deserve it.

Sue me.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Why I'm Doing This

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."   H.L. Mencken

Because I feel like it, for one thing. Actually, the honest-to-God reason why is that Cracked destroyed a community of friends in an effort to defend it's resident drunk. A drunk that went too far by mocking and deriding the comedy that his own website employs, and it's readers enjoy. Hell, his own name is a pun, yet according to him, anyone that likes puns is the scum of the earth.

I could go on, but that story is covered at length here and other places. The point that shocked and devastated everyone involved is, using one excuse, (a supposed death threat on his Facebook page), his buddy, Jason Pargin, (David Wong), used a scorched-earth approach and banned/deleted hundreds of commenters that had been faithful readers for years, in some cases.

And us commenters were a family. We knew each other, we laughed, joked, made intelligent witticisms and generally just enjoyed each other's company. Thrown to the winds by a "comedy" website that tries so hard to pull off a carefree, "look at us, we're funny!" attitude that has now been shown to be a facade.

To expose the truth, that simple. To tap the internet on the shoulder and say, "Look at this clusterfuck by, a "yuk,yuk comedy" site". Is this worth the outrage and hurt we feel? Or, is it time to apply Head On to our sore rectums and move on?" 

I could go on, but I really don't care if some of you don't "get" it.

We do.

That's all that counts.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Mack Leighty aka John Cheese Described With His Own Words.

The Man No Man Wants To Become

He's the one sitting by himself, sipping a mixed drink. He's wearing enough cologne that you can smell it outside the bar. If you subtract 15 years from the calendar, his clothes would be in style. The bartender knows his name and his drink without him saying a word. He's leaning against the bar like he hasn't a care in the world, gray hair bobbing slightly to music that you know for a fact he doesn't like. He's casually scanning the crowd, like a drunken Terminator, searching for any woman who's just the right level of buzzed. Drunk enough that her inhibitions are thinned, but not enough to pass out or vomit. He's hunting, and his eyes are on the girls your age. And it is creepy as hell.

From "Reformed Douchebags" by John Cheese.

Pretty much says it all...

Our Thoughts And Prayers Go Out To Jenny Rivera

And her family, the people with her and her fans.

I wasn't a fan just because her music wasn't the type that I listen to, but every time we lose someone we all are diminished.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Welcome Interlude, Part Two

To Syd Barrett, In Tribute.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.

Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the cross fire of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger,
You legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Treatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter,
You piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Pile on many more layers and i'll be joining you there.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
And we'll bask in the shadow of yesterday's triumph,
And sail on the steel breeze.
Come on you boy child, you winner and loser,
Come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!

To All Us Brothers In Rock And Roll.

And Madness...

Shine On.

A Welcome Interlude, Part One

          Okay, here in Dallas, we have a station called the Edge. On Saturday nights they have what is, appropriately, called the Saturday Night Edge Club. I have just heard two songs that I've never heard before and that, collectively, kicked my ass. Not easy to do, mind you.

          The first was called, "The Pot" by Tool. Here are the lyrics:

Who are you to wave your finger?
Ya' must have been out your head.
Eye hole deep in muddy waters.
You practically raised the dead.

Rob the grave, to snow the cradle.
Then burn the evidence down.
Soapbox, house of cards, and glass,
So don't go tossin' your stones around.

You must have been high.
You must have been high.
You must have been.

Foot in mouth, and head up asshole.
Whatcha talkin' 'bout?
Difficult to dance 'round this one
'til you pull it out, boy!

You must have been, so high.
You must have been, so high.

Steal, borrow, refer, save your shady inference.
King Guru done hung the juror with the innocent.

Now you're weeping shades of chosen indigo
Got lemon juice up in your...EYE!

When you pissed all over my black kettle
You must have been HIGH, HIGH
You must have been HIGH, HIGH

Who are you to wave your finger?
So full of it.
Eyeballs deep in muddy waters
Fuckin' hypocrite.

Liar, lawyer, mirror, show me.
What's the difference?

Kangaroo done hung the guilty with the innocent.

You'll weep or, change the chosen into gold.
Got lemon juice up in your high eye.
When you pissed all over my black kettle
You musta been!

So who are you to wave your finger?
Who are you to wave your mighty fingers at me?
You must, have been, out your, mind!

Reefer chased off indigo
Trapped without a reason
Reefer chased off indigo

Liar, lawyer,
Mirror for ya,
What's the difference?
Kangaroo be stoned
He's guilty as the government

Will you weep or, change the chosen into gold
Got lemon juice up in your, EYE!!

Now when you pissed all over my black kettle.
You musta been HIGH, HIGH, HIGH, HIGH.
Eyeballs deep in muddy waters
Your're balls deep in muddy waters.
Ganja Police, you must, have been, out your MIND!!!!

          The lyrics, plus the driving guitars and wicked awesome drumming leapt up, grabbed me by the throat and dragged me around the room screaming like a loon. Too much.

           Then, they played "Take A Walk" by Passion Pit:

All these kinds of placesMake it seem like it's been agesAnd tomorrow's sun and buildings scrape the sky.I love this country dearlyI can feel the latter clearlyBut I never thought I'd be alone to try.Once I was outside Penn stationSelling red and white carnationsWe were still alone, my wife and I.Before we married, saved my moneyBrought my dear wife over.Now I work to bring my family stateside.Got off the boat, they stayed a whilethen scattered 'cross the coast.Once a year I'll see them for a week or so at most.I took a walk(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohhI took a walk(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohhPractice isn't perfectbut the market cuts a loss.I remind myself that times could be much worse.My wife won't ask me questions-there's not so much to ask.And she'll never flaunt around an empty purse.Once my mother-in-law cameJust to stay a couple nightsAnd decided she would stay the rest of her life.I watch my little childrenPlay some boardgame in the kitchen
And I sit and pray they never feel my strife.But then my partner called to say the pension funds were goneHe made some bad investments, now the accounts are overdrawnI took a walk.(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohhI took a walk(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh"Honey, it's your sun"I think I borrowed just too much.We had taxes, we had bills, we had a lifestyle to front.And tonight I swear I'll come home and we'll make love like we're young.Tomorrow , you'll cook dinner for the neighbors and their kids.We can rip apart the socialists and all their damn taxes.You see I am no criminal, I'm down on both bad knees.I'm just too much a coward to admit when I'm in need.I took a walk.(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)(take a walk, take a walk, take a walk)Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh
             Okay, that was it. By now, I'm gibbering gibberish like a gibbon in Gabon. 
             Then they finished off the set with, "Been Away Too Long", by Soundgarden:You can't go home, no I swear you never canYou can walk a million miles and get nowhere
I got no where to go and it seems I came back
Just filling in the lines for the holes, and the cracks

Hey, no one knows me
No one saves me
No one loves or hates me
I've been away for too long
This place has a sá¹—ecial kind of falling apart
Like they put the whole thing together in the dark
No one knows where the edge of the knife is
And no one knows where intelligent life is
[ Lyrics from: ]
Hey, no one knows me
No one saves me
No one loves or hates me
Going straight
I only ever really wanted a break
I've been away for too long
No I never really wanted to stay
I've been away for too long
I've been away for too long
I've been away for too long
Keyholes, trough key holes
Where those
I am still hiding
Everyone inside
Tank girls and fly guns and silver boots on my way home

Going straight
I only ever really wanted a break
I've been away for too long
No I never really wanted to stay
Going straight
I only ever really wanted a break
I've been away for too long
No I never really wanted to stay
I've been away for too long

           Okay. Mind = Blown.

            Good night, all. I hope you're having as good a Saturday night as I am.


            (What the...? Now they are playing my favorite Stone Temple Pilots' song, "Sour Girl". Truly, I am blessed.